Things I've seen in the past 24 hours

1) The owner of the corner shop completely wasted at 9.00am yesterday morning. Buying my Saturday Guardian has never been a more surreal experience. Either he was still trashed from the night before or is genetically disposed to drown his cornflakes in vodka.

2) A business card advertising the services of a naked cleaner - on a noticeboard in the kind of suburb where so many late model European cars prowled the wide leafy streets, it made me wonder if the neighbourhood was sponsored by Porsche.

3) The Pope, currently in the UK at great taxpayer expense, on the BBC banging on about the Catholic Church's "overriding concern for the unique dignity of every human person". This from a former member of Hitler's Youth who, in 2001, instructed Bishops NOT to report cases of sexual abuse that have dogged the Church for decades. And, lest we forget, this man helms an institution that thinks no woman on the planet is good enough to become a priest, instructs people with Aids - hell, everyone - not to wear a condom, and believes that gays are "a deviation, an irregularity, a wound". Having spent most of my adult life railing against the religion that was shoved down my throat as a child, I could go on and on - but the Internet called and said it doesn't have the room to store it all.

4) My first ever car boot sale. As British as PG Tips, grim weather and queuing, the early morning event was filled with so much rubbish my retinas will be hurting for days. Who buys this crap? I should've stayed in bed.

5) A huge display of Christmas mince pies in Tesco. People, it is only SEPTEMBER.